Someone to Stay Read online

  Cassie and her dad laughed uproariously at that - he pulled the map out of the back pocket of his jean shorts and opened it up.

  “The ride is this way,” he said, pointing. He and her mom set off, their pace quick, quicker than she could easily keep up with. Cassie suddenly realized that there were a lot of people here; she weaved in and out of families and couples, trying to keep sight of her parents, trying not to run out of breath since she was now jogging and it was so hot and she could hardly breathe -

  “Where are you going?” she heard, and she spun around to see Sam staring at her with disdain on her face.

  “I was just...” Cassie said, looking around. Where had she been going? “I don’t know.”

  She was standing in the middle of an open field, the grass nearly to her knees and yellowing, wilting in the sun. She stared at Sam, mouth agape, remembering that there was something she had wanted to tell her, but she couldn’t remember what it was now. Something important...something urgent...

  “Well, you can’t stay here. This is my land. Look what you’ve done to it!”

  Sam’s arms waved about, gesturing at the grass. Cassie took a step back, the sound of the half-dead grass crunching beneath her feet as loud as a gunshot.

  “Sam, if I...if I ruined it, I’m sorry.”

  “You’re always sorry,” she spat back, stepping closer and closer, waving a hand in Cassie’s face. Cassie had never seen her look so angry before; she could only wait for what was next. “You’re so fucking pathetic, Cassie. You only think of yourself - never about anyone else. You’ve ruined my land. Get the hell out.”

  Cassie didn’t need telling again. She turned around and ran, and ran and ran, the dry grass cutting into her legs as she went, the crackling sound from under her feet intense and loud.

  “Cassie?”

  She felt a hand on her arm - she stopped running, realizing who had said her name, heart racing as she remembered the look of absolute contempt on Sam’s face; the details were fuzzy but the impression remained.

  She was aware that Jake was there, waiting for her response. She shook her head and locked eyes with him, opening her mouth to reply, but she was unable to think of anything to say.

  “What’s the matter?”

  His voice was quiet, full of concern. She realized immediately that she was somewhere she didn’t recognize; they were laying under soft, orange silky sheets on a huge bed facing each other, in a room starkly neat and orderly, the sounds of cars passing by from outside.

  “N-nothing,” she replied, recovering quickly from her stutter. She reached a hand out, touching his cheek gingerly, as if afraid to believe it was real. His face was rough; he was in need of a shave, and Cassie watched her fingers trace the line of his jaw, transfixed. Jake grinned at her, his eyes so blue she could scarcely believe it - her breath caught in her throat at the sight of his perfect, wide smile, the way it reached all the way to his eyes.

  “I can’t live without you, you know,” he said, almost a whisper. He leaned in, close, lips nearly touching hers. She could feel his breath against her mouth, the heat from his body reaching out to her, caressing.

  “I can’t...” she started, but then she stopped, closing the distance. They kissed like they’d never kiss again, imperfectly and fervently, and she felt Jake push her onto her back. He rolled on top of her, his bare skin pressing against hers, the feeling exquisite and pure— perfection.

  He broke the kiss after a moment and pulled his head back slowly, pupils blown wide. It was like looking into a dream, the face not really a face, but a feeling, a memory.

  He opened his mouth to speak, but she heard nothing. She could only feel herself stirring in that other place.

  Cassie’s eyes snapped open; it took her a moment to realize where she was. Not seeing Jake next to her was almost a surprise - he’d seemed so real in the dream until his face lost clarity. She rolled over, facing the window, remembering the other details. They were fuzzy and difficult to remember.

  Sam...

  Cassie wished vehemently that Sam would call her back. She felt so small without her, so minuscule. Cassie could not remember the last time they’d fought like this.

  Rolling onto her back, she allowed her mind to wander, remembering the good times between her and Sam. As children, they were rarely apart; as they grew into teenagers and young adults, it was largely the same. Where Sam went, Cassie followed, and vice versa. Why had Cassie allowed her dad’s death to split them apart? Why had she closed herself off so obstinately?

  Despite herself, she smiled weakly, remembering the Disney trip they’d taken when she was seven. Those details were fuzzy, too: she remembered, with some certainty, the conversation about It’s a Small World, the way they’d laughed together. She remembered feeling hot that day; it was one of the hottest days of the year, she recalled her parents saying. And she remembered Princess Jasmine.

  Sometimes it felt overwhelming...the memories, the string of stories and recollections and experiences she’d had. But...that’s all life was, wasn’t it? What else was it, if not that?

  Her thoughts grew muddled, slipping out of her like wet sand, and she felt her eyes grow heavy and then she remembered nothing else.

  13.

  The next few weeks for Cassie simultaneously flew by and crawled. Summer was in full bloom, and it wasn’t getting any cooler.

  Some nights after work, like tonight, she’d take her time walking home; she remembered the first night she ever met Jake, the way her mom had looked at her with concern that she walked home so late alone. But Cassie liked the feel of it. She liked to pretend the night shrouded her, to pretend that in this one, singular moment, she was completely alone in the world.

  A car passing by broke the fantasy. But summer was still there, the heat curling around her, guiding her home.

  Things with Jake were also complicated in that she knew his departure date was racing toward her. Her heart seemed to jump to her mouth when she thought of him; a few weeks ago she had told herself she was attached and that it was too late. Now, she knew, it was deeper than that.

  She knew better than to think she was in love with him. It was far, far too soon for that. But she couldn’t stop herself from wanting to break down and tell him she wanted to continue this after he left - to hell with the difficulties of a long-distance relationship. When he left and said goodbye, it would feel like a breakup, and she would be crushed.

  She needed advice - not from her mother, whose nervous glances had started to thoroughly irritate Cassie, but advice from a friend. From Sam. Who’d still not yet called her back.

  The prospect of never talking to Sam again was terrifying. This was the longest argument they’d ever had; certainly, it was the most damaging. Cassie often thought of showing up at Sam’s house and pounding on her door until she opened it up and forcing her to listen, and she had to talk herself out of it each time the thought crossed her mind. She didn’t want to make the situation worse than it already was.

  She rounded the corner of her street, lost in these thoughts. Her memories played out before her eyes, the dark road and cars and houses disappearing and being replaced by days spent at school next to each other, of passing notes and eating lunch together, of watching movies and going biking and having sleepovers. A whole lifetime of memories with the one person who’d always accepted her for who she was - before Jake, anyway. The only glaringly obvious mistake was on Cassie’s part...she’d never fully opened up to Sam. She’d instead hidden the worst part of herself away, not realizing that it’s all the parts that make you who you are.

  It was painful to think about - to admit that she was the one who broke things. The last few weeks had been spent thinking about that, and sketching out those scenes that stood out in her mind. She always screwed up Sam’s face, never quite capturing the kindness there.

  She approached her house, the porch light on. Cassie saw her before she saw Cassie.

  Madison Elbourne was sitting on the por
ch, staring down at her phone, her long brown hair pulled back into what looked like a French braid. Cassie stopped mid-step on the sidewalk, staring at her.

  Madison was Sam’s friend. They’d been friends for a long time, and Cassie had never gotten in the way of that. But Madison and Cassie didn’t exactly get along. Madison always rubbed Cassie the wrong way; she favored dry, biting sarcasm and often made Cassie feel that she wasn’t thrilled to see her. To see her now, on Cassie’s porch, was puzzling, and she felt a strong wave of adrenaline surge through her veins.

  She must have felt her scrutiny, because Madison looked up, locking eyes with Cassie. She stood and gave Cassie a small wave.

  “Hey. Your mom said you’d be home soon, so I waited.”

  They regarded each other for a moment, and Cassie took a deep breath and made her way over to the porch. In comparison with Madison’s flower print dress and decorative sandals, Cassie felt rather sub-par in her black work slacks and tucked in dress shirt. She nodded curtly at her when she came within a reasonable distance, swallowing her apprehension.

  “Hi. What are you doing here?”

  Madison bit her lip, looking obviously nervous. She sat back down on the porch step, smoothing her dress over her thighs and gesturing beside her.

  “You can sit down...I won’t bite.”

  Because Cassie was too nice not to, she did as she was bid, giving Madison plenty of space and angling herself so she was mostly facing her.

  “I’m not here because of...the Jake Mason thing,” Madison said then, looking uncharacteristically bashful. “I’m here because of Sam.”

  She felt her brow knit, a reflection of the confusion she felt. Madison was watching her now, maybe gauging Cassie’s response.

  “What about Sam?”

  She hoped her voice didn’t sound as flimsy as it felt. Madison looked directly at her, no hint of her earlier nervousness on her face.

  “She’s miserable without you but refuses to call you back. I’ve told her a dozen times to just suck it up and do it, but she won’t.”

  “What did she say?” Cassie asked, watching Madison warily. She couldn’t help but feel suspicious about her motives; she’d never come to Cassie before about anything. Why was she here now?

  “She won’t tell me anything. Look, I know we aren’t really friends. I know we haven’t always agreed about things, but Sam needs you - she’s just too stubborn to say it. I think you should go to her apartment and force her to talk to you.”

  Madison’s bluntness didn’t throw Cassie off this time. She simply stared at her as if she’d never seen Madison before now. And maybe, she thought suddenly, she hadn’t.

  “We aren’t really friends, but you want to help me and Sam?”

  “Don’t get me wrong...I want to help Sam, and if that helps you, too, then I’m not shying from it. And, I’m thinking it’s high time we put that stuff behind us, anyway. High school was a long time ago.”

  Cassie found herself nodding, alarmed at how easily she agreed. She’d spent the last eleven years avoiding this girl...and now they sat together on her front porch.

  “Why didn’t you and I get along, anyway?” she asked then.

  Madison regarded her, eyes sweeping over her face intently. Cassie didn’t break her gaze.

  “You were just so...good. Daddy’s little girl. Straight As. Always afraid to break the rules,” she said finally. “It’s not that I didn’t like you, exactly. I was just afraid you’d become corrupted by me.”

  “Corrupted?”

  “Yeah. When I first transferred here as a freshman from North Carolina, it was because my mom killed herself, and my dad took custody of me. I was fucked up. I partied, slept around with guys. Did all kinds of drugs. And you...you were perfect. You didn’t need someone like me fucking you up.”

  Looking at Madison, Cassie had a hard time believing what she’d said. She realized for the first time just how pretty Madison actually was, with thick, glossy hair and wide, expressive green eyes. A thin frame and freckled skin. But most of all, she noticed her posture, the way she held herself up high and looked at the world head-on. It was hard to believe that there was a time when Madison knew struggle or pain.

  “I’m sorry about your mom,” Cassie said quietly, looking down at her knees. “I didn’t know about that.”

  “I don’t talk about it, honestly. It was a long time ago now, but I miss her a lot. She left me with a lot of cleaning up to do, though.”

  Cassie wasn’t sure what to say now. It felt to her that Madison had told her something extremely personal; she wondered if she expected something equally personal in return. She looked back up at her, not at all surprised to see that Madison was watching her closely.

  “So, do you think you’re going down to Sam’s house?” she asked.

  Cassie thought about it. She supposed that she had no choice - if it was truly the only way to apologize and explain herself, then she had to do it. She nodded slowly.

  “Yes. I think I will. I...I miss her.”

  “And she misses you.”

  “Maybe...” Cassie started, trying to find the words she wanted to say. “Maybe you and I could go together tomorrow, if you have the time. Maybe she would be willing to listen to me if she sees you on board with it too.”

  Madison looked quite taken aback at this. “You’d want me there?”

  “Yes,” Cassie replied, with no hesitation. She spoke with more confidence than she felt. “I do.”

  There was a very still silence at this; the only sounds to be heard were those of the river rushing and crickets singing in the bushes. She wondered if Madison would refuse, but then the look on her face softened as she replied.

  “Alright. I’ll pick you up tomorrow and we’ll go.”

  Cassie nodded, numbly, unable to express in words the sense of gratitude she felt; they both stood at this and said their goodbyes to each other, Madison promising to pick her up around 11 o’clock the next day.

  Once Madison’s car had rounded the corner and Cassie could no longer see it, she let herself inside the house, making her way upstairs. Her mom was already in her room, with no light trailing from under her door. She quietly walked into her room, shutting the door and sitting on her bed.

  Her mind was reeling. Madison Elbourne, certified Bad Girl, had gone out of her way to help Cassie, whether she admitted it or not. They’d never gotten along, but they had tolerated each other for Sam’s sake. Cassie couldn’t help but feel guilty at how she’d judged her, how she’d never given her enough credit. The way she’d opened up about her mom made Cassie feel even worse.

  She picked up her phone and dialed Jake, needing to hear his voice. They’d gone hiking again on Sunday, but that was three days ago. She knew her time with him was running out and wanted to savor each moment; she wanted to reach out and capsulate those moments so that she’d never have to let them go.

  “Hey, Cassie,” Jake said when he answered. Cassie smiled into the phone, her hand reaching from under her pillow to drag a sketchbook out. She started a new one a week ago, and her fingers trailed lightly over the cover before opening it.

  “Hey Jake. How was filming?”

  “Gruesome. Dan is a man who knows what he wants.”

  Cassie laughed at his sardonic tone, flipping through a few of her latest sketches. Jake driving his rental, Jake smiling at her, Jake standing in the middle of the hiking path at Harrison Park, cargo shorts and ruffled hair and a glint of impishness in his eyes.

  “How was your night?” he asked then, causing her hand to still before she turned another page.

  “It was...interesting,” she replied, and she began telling him about coming home to find Madison on her front porch. Jake listened, not interrupting, something she had grown to love about him - that absolute knowledge that his attention was only on her. When she finished, she felt a lot lighter and waited for his response.

  “Madison sounds very brave, to come to you without knowing what kind of response
she’d get,” Jake said then, and Cassie found herself nodding.

  “Yeah, I guess she is. It’s just so weird, to think that I’d always written her off as someone I’d never like.”

  “What do you think will happen tomorrow?”

  Cassie stilled at his question, wondering the same thing herself. Gripping the phone tighter against her face, she closed her sketchbook and sighed. “I really don’t know. The optimistic, naive part of me wants to think Sam will listen. But the other part of me that has been ignored by her the last few weeks knows that it may not happen.”

  “Go in there with your head held high, and tell her the truth.”

  “What if the truth isn’t good enough?” Cassie asked, quietly.

  His reply was even quieter, as if he was afraid his words would actually be heard.

  “Then she doesn’t deserve you.”

  “Jake...” Cassie said, about to admonish him. She couldn’t imagine a life without Sam; the last three weeks had been hard enough. But to imagine writing her off was absolutely unbearable. “I can’t be without her. She’s...all I have.”

  “You have me.”

  He sounded pained. Cassie felt her response bubble up in her throat - But you’re only temporary - and she held it there. She wanted to believe him; she wanted to think that he was going to stay here with her indefinitely, but she knew better than to get lost in that fantasy. She wished very suddenly that he was in front of her, that she could touch his cheek and feel his weight on her and never let it go. Her heart surged in her chest, remembering the way he’d kissed her in the park on Sunday, his hands gripping her back. She wanted him but was incredibly afraid of giving in and dealing with an even greater pain than she was already destined to feel.

  Exhaling a breath she hadn’t been entirely aware she was holding, she said, “Yes. I do.”

  “Hey, cheer up. For all we know, tomorrow will go wonderfully and this will all be a memory.”